Hell Hath No Fury
by Jigoku Tenshi
Summary: It was Cliff Fittir's thirty seventh birthday... and the girls wanted to do something special for him. Hell hath no fury to scheming women. CliffAlbel. Oneshot.


**Not So Standard Disclaimer:** (And today we bring you… Kage.)

Kage: Hello there! –twitch- Why do I have to do the stinking GAY FIC! ( He's not a yaoi fan)

JT: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT'S WHY!

Kage: XP

JT: -unsheathes Kontonken-

Kage! –reads card- The OMPU does in no way own Star Ocean, or the original idea that this fic is derived from. Those go to Tri-Ace and doujinshi-ka K. Haruka respectively. …Do you know what half this shit means?

JT: -facepalm- Idiot….

**Rating:** T for language and suggestive themes.

**Genre:** Humor/Romance

**Summary:** It was Cliff Fittir's thirty-seventh birthday… and the girls wanted to do something special for him. Hell hath no fury to scheming women. CliffAlbel. Oneshot.

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**.:Hell Hath No Fury…:.**

_By Jigoku Tenshi_

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It was Cliff Fittir's thirty-seventh birthday, and the girls wanted to do something special for him. Mirage, Nel, Maria, Peppita, and Sophia were huddled in Maria's bedroom on the Diplo, putting the final touches on their plan. Despite that the girls had been planning this for some time, the idea was still rater farfetched. They had first thought of it when they noticed that Cliff had become a little er… _distracted_ as of late – especially in regards to a certain someone. It was a subtle change, for the most part. It had taken both Mirage and Maria, who had known Cliff longest, to point it out to the rest of them.

Opinions about this tidbit of information were made one night during one of their typical girl-talks. Opinions became jokes. Jokes became "what if" scenarios. "What ifs" became half-baked schemes that would never work in a million years. Half-baked schemes became a single plan that was so crazy, so _risky_… that is just might work.

It was Cliff Fittir's thirty-seventh birthday, and the girls were finally putting their plan into action.

"Now Peppita, Sophia," Maria was saying, "we need you to keep him distracted _any way_ you can. The rest of us will go out and deliver the ah… _gift_. We'll be sure to send you a signal when we're finished."

"Eh, Maria?" Sophia began uncertainly, "I've been thinking… maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean, what if the er… 'gift' doesn't-"

"Doesn't like it?" Nel interjected, raising a skeptical brow.

There was a moment of silence where the other four girls glanced at each other, and then said quite simply: "He deserves it."

"But that's not right!" Sophia exclaimed.

"It's all right Sophia," Mirage soothed, "I'm sure everything would be fine… Cliff wouldn't go completely overboard without his consent. Besides… it's been getting boring around here lately."

"Oh!" the blue haired girl said as she glanced at the clock, effectively cutting off the conversation. "It's time! Peppita did you get those chains from your troupe when we last stopped at Moonbase?"

"Yup!" the little girl shouted, holding up the end of one of them.

"And Mirage, did you-"

"I picked some up when we stopped at Moonbase, also."

"Well good then, let's get this show on the road. Nel, Mirage: let's get going. Peppita, Sophia remember: we'll send you a signal when we're finished. Be sure to keep Cliff occupied until then."

"Okay!"

"…I'm still not sure about this…"

Win or lose, there'd be Hell to pay.

* * *

Cliff Fittir sighed deeply as he started back to his room, running a gloved hand through his short blonde hair. He had just been through what was probably the most grueling twenty minutes of his life. Now he knew why Fayt was so messed up in the head, poor kid: he had to listen to that _girl_ jabber on day in and day out! Good Lord, his ears were _still_ ringing with the added pressure of Peppita's high pitched – _loud_ – squeals along with Sophia's nervous jabbering.

It was almost… suspicious he decided. It was the most random conversation he had ever been in, as if the two were just trying to say anything to keep him in one spot. And then the two had suddenly dashed off. Very suspicious indeed. But that wasn't the only thing. Aside from those two, Cliff hadn't seen any of the other girls. All of them were usually seen together on the Diplo – especially in the last few weeks.

…Come to think of it… he hadn't seen Albel around today either.

The Klausian winced as he realized that his thoughts had, once again, returned to the Glyphian captain for about the twentieth time that morning. That had been happening a lot as of late. He wasn't exactly sure what to make of it. Cliff had never considered himself "gay" per say… he had chased after women for most of his life! And he wasn't even sure _when_ it had all started, but looking back on it now, he had at least a hint. His first clue was that single passing moment on Elicoor II when he had begrudgingly admitted that the sociopath was attractive and that he had a sort of sensual appeal to him. I mean, he wore spandex, evening gloves, stockings, and a skirt with one _hell_ of a slit. The man showed more skin than most _women_ Cliff had met, and that was a lot of women. Could you really blame him for admitting it?

Didn't think so.

When the group had done to pick up Albel Nox after the war, Cliff couldn't help but pity the man as he saw him hanging like a lifeless doll in that dank dungeon. Oh, don't get him wrong, he thought Albel's attitude stunk to high heaven – still did, in fact. The two had flung more insults at one another than the damn politicians Cliff used to visit. (Good Lord, he was glad he didn't have to deal with _that_ anymore!) But as Albel stayed around, that previous attraction seemed to grow on him… and nearly drove him insane. For a good while, Cliff had chalked it up to lust. He found he could accept that explanation easily.

But then came the incident on the roof of the Kirlsa Training Facility… where Albel had been shot down by the Vendeen… and Cliff had been forced to rethink the whole issue. He still wasn't really sure if his reaction to the incident had been that of a concerned comrade, or is lust had somehow become… something more.

He told himself not to think on it too much. Besides, despite the implications that Albel Nox did indeed "swing that way" (come on… you can't overlook the skirt) , the chances of _him_ being thought of as anything more than an "overgrown ox" – to quote Albel himself – wasn't very likely.

The tall man closed his navy-blue eyes and shook his head, another long sigh leaving his lips. He really hated this aspect of birthdays – the invading nostalgia that made you rethink your life. Maybe it was just him. Maybe mid-life crisis was setting in early.

The Klausian turned, his eyes still closed, into his room. He only paused for a moment as the door opened automatically for him. He'd had this room on the Diplo for as long as he'd had the ship itself. He could do this blindfolded by now. _'Sanctuary at last!'_ was the dominating thought in his mind. No loud-mouth girls in sight. Cliff opened his eyes, fully expecting to see his small white room in perfect order… just as he'd left it.

It wasn't. He blinked, believing that what he was seeing was just his imagination.

He blinked again – it didn't change.

Albel "the Wicked" Nox was sprawled on his stomach across his bed. Well "sprawled" wasn't the right word… "chained to" was the correct term. His hands – gauntlet and all – were chained behind his back, his ankles were also bound in think chains, the chain on his metal collar had been added onto and hooked around the footboard. He was gagged…

…and _NOT_ happy about it.

Cliff wasn't sure whether what his reaction should be. Fall over laughing, or run from the room screaming? Laughter seemed more probable. "Erm… hi there!" Cliff greeted, trying to keep a straight face and failing fantastically.

The term "death glare" did not even _begin_ to describe the look he was getting from the Black Brigade captain. And enraged "Hurmmmph!" came from behind the gag. Cliff wondered briefly what he should do. With his Klausian strength, he could easily break those chains. But then he'd leave himself open to the onslaught of wrath that Albel would surely unleash.

He settled instead on carefully approaching the restrained warrior, as not to goad him into attacking. He gingerly reached out and pulled the cloth away from his mouth.

"_WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THOSE **MAGGOTS**-!_" Cliff stuffed the gag back in his mouth. Albel continued to shout at him through the gag, his words – thankfully – muffled. He wasn't in the mood to listen to imaginative death threats… no matter how creative they may be.

His eyes were instead drawn to the object on his bedside table. The entire front of said object was covered by a sheet of paper. He picked it up. It read:

"_HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CLIFF! HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR GIFT!_

_-THE GIRLS"_

Below the signature was five little sketched faces which identified the culprits as Mirage, Nel, Maria, Peppita, and Sophia.

…and suddenly, it all made sense.

And if that wasn't enough, the object the note had been taped to was more than enough to make things crystal clear. The label on the slim bottle read as such:

"**BODY LUBRICANT**

**-Guaranteed Satifaction For You and Your Lover-"**

He was frozen on the spot for about a second before his hand came up and covered his eyes. He shook his head. _'…Why me? Goddamn you, Mirage…'_ He had a sneaking suspicion that _she_ had started this. And his hunches were never wrong.

Well… except for that time with the asteroid… but that was _one time_.

The Klausian turned his head to look at the unfortunate prisoner on his bed, who had gone silent. He supposed he should untie him soon. "Are you finished?" he asked.

"…" Glare.

That was a good an answer as he would get. "Okay then." Cliff strode the few steps to the bed and undid the gag. For a moment the two simply stared at each other – furious crimson glaring into impassive blue.

"Why am I here, worm?" Albel demanded at length.

"You mean the girls didn't tell you?"

"Would I be asking if they did?" The sarcasm was almost tangible.

He couldn't resist goading him further. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that it's rude to answer a question with another question?"

"You've done it twice now, fool."

"So?" Just a little more…

"JUST ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!" Bingo.

"All right, all right, keep your skirt on." He almost let a snicker slip as Albel's expression twitched at the word "skirt." "If you must know, it's my birthday today."

"Your birthday…"

"Yes, my birthday. Thirty-seventh to be exact."

"_Congratulations._" More sarcasm. "And what does _that_ have to do with _anything_, you overgrown ox?"

"A lot, actually. The girls must've thought you'd make a nice gift for me." Oh he had no idea…

"A _gift?_ What the _hell_ do you mean – _gift!_"

Cliff sighed – moment of truth. He retrieved the bottle off the bedside table and held it out at Albel's eye level so he could read he label properly. From what he could see, it looked like Albel had to read over it once or twice before the full meaning of it sunk in – at which point, all color drained from his face. "HELL NO!" the Glyphian shouted as he attempted to wiggle his way as far away from Cliff as he could. If he hadn't actually been involved in this situation, he would've found it hilarious.

Instead, part of him found Albel's reaction a little disheartening, while the rest of him was shouting at this part in disbelief: _'What, don't **tell** me you expected him to **agree** to that!'_ But before an internal retort could be made, Cliff realized something shocking.

Albel had pushed himself flat against the wall, his head down so that his hair concealed his eyes, and doth thine eyes deceive him? Or was Albel the Wicked… _blushing?_

…heh heh… cue invisible light bulb of genius.

"…AH! WHAT THE _HELL_ ARE YOU – mmph!"

"………….."

"……mmngh…" A gasp. A chuckle.

Maybe he'd get around to unchaining him……

…maybe.

* * *

"…I hate you."

"Hey, you weren't complaining ten minutes ago."

Growl. "…_hate_ you, you fucking bastard."

Chuckle. "Love you too, 'Bel."

Blush. "… maggot… bastard…" Grumble.

"…'Bel?"

"Nngh?"

"Shut up and go to sleep."

Rustle. "…Fine…"

"… heh…gonna hafta thank the girls tomorrow…"

"_What_ was that?"

"Nothing… nothing at all…"

Silence.

"…Happy Birthday… you great fool."

Snicker.

**.:END ONESHOT:.**

**Ending AN:** Oh, I'm quite proud of myself, that I am! The idea for this came to me at about midnight last night, and I was up half the night writing out the plans so I could remember it the next day. The _inspiration_ for this actually came from a Cid/Vin doujinshi in which Cid returns to his hotel room to find that the girls of FF7 had tied Vincent up and thrown him on Cid's bed as an er… offering. XD I modified the idea a bit an applied it to Star Ocean's sexiest yaoi pairing.

(I like Alfei… it's cute… but Cliff/Albel is just so damn sexy and has great potential for funny fics… and I was sold when I saw the Kirlsa Training Facility scene where Albel becomes your seventh party member. XD Okay, I'm done rambling.)

Reviews are appreciated. Constructive criticism will be considered and taken to heart. Out-right flames will be used to fuel the fire places of the Jigoku Estate. Thank you for reading.


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